iTunes Top 50 35-31

35. You Give Love a Bad Name-Blake Lewis

PAS: So I don't watch American Idol. Even so, you normally get a vague sense of what is going on through pop culture osmosis. For example I heard there was a South Asian with strange hair who was getting ballot box stuffed into the later rounds by off duty Mumbai call center workers. Somehow the Blake Lewis cultural phenomena completely escaped me. I work at a Karaoke bar, you would think I would get a larger percentage of white frat boy fucktards spitting all over my microphones. Apparently this guy got branded the “edgy youth” candidate by doing remarkably bad beatboxing on all of his tunes. I don't think beatboxing is something that has been culturally relevant in at least 20 years. There were kids beatboxing in my middle school talent shows, it was a bit past its prime then, and I am 31 years old. You Give Love a Bad name was released in 1986, the Fat Boys are Back was in 1985, he isn't updating this tune, he is backdating it.

TKG: His beatboxing is really sub-white frat boy doing fake Michael Winslow. But even if you ignore the gimmicky beatboxing this is stinky. He tries to make "You Give Love a Bad Name" into a really downbeat song. It's not a song that really can take a downbeat rendition. He doesn't have the vocal chops to pull off a sad Solomon Burke reading of the song. And the song itself just isn't deep enough to work that way. You can't take those lyrics and try to sell it as a tragic ballad. Even if he was a great song stylist, you just can’t read “You Give Love a Bad Name” as though it were “Strange Fruit”. His other vocal gimmick is he tries to pretend that his vocals are being chopped (but not screwed). Maybe he's trying to make it sound like someone is scratching the record. Not sure it just sounds like an awkward stutter. The backing band is also surprisingly shitty. They are trying to do guitar parts from Bobby Womack's "Across 110th Street" over "You give Love a Bad Name". I think they also may be lifting the drum parts from "Across 110th Street". The call and response drum and human beatbox section is not only marked by shitty beatboxing but equally muddled drumming. It's one thing for me to feel out of touch with current youth culture. It's another for me to feel this alienated from the type of mainstream schmaltz that comes out of American Idol. But there is nothing in this that feels like it would appeal to even the most rube musical sensibility. I don't get this at all.

34. Shut Up and Drive-Rihanna

TKG: Rihanna is a surprisingly great rock singer, and this is a really filthy rock song. But it’s hurt by using really anonymous mid 90s rock guitar. That kind of shitty guitar work isn't out of place on stuff by Daughtry, Nickelback or Pink. But Rihanna's vocal delivery is a lot better than those folks and really deserves either a dirtier or more angular guitar sound. Michael Jackson used Van Halen when that was relevant sound. Rihanna should have really grabbed Jack White or something. What is Neil Hagerty doing these days? Maybe its not a question of dirtier or more angular just sound with some personality behind it. It just needs to be a less anonymous session sound. I think if you did a mash up with this vocal over a Henry Vestine or Tom Verlaine instrumental it would be spectacular.

PAS: The percussion and bass parts of this song are ripped off from Blue Monday. New Order has a really great guitarist, so sticking the hack they used over the New Order beat really exposes it. I imagine Bernard Sumner would be stoked to work with Jay-Z. I don't want to Fantasy produce this song, as their is nothing shittier then criticism which is all about how the critic would write the novel or direct the film, but this could have also used a Freeway verse full of double entendres. So Bernard Sumner and Freeway really would have made this spectacular.

33. Rockstar-Nickelback

PAS: This song doesn't make any sense, it appears to be a screed against bands who sell out for fortune and fame, like Nickelback is Minor Threat. I wasn't aware there was a "scene" which Nickelback comes from. What could Nickelback do to sell out, that they haven't already done? Do Nickelback watch Stained videos and bitch about commercialization?

TKG: I'm unclear as to whether this is anti-selling out or pro consumerism. Is he saying that "cutting your hair" is selling out or is he embracing the actual pleasure of a clean cut and frosted tips. And is this song actually a rock song? This is more Garth Brooks then Chris Gaines. And what's the deal with bringing in the C&C Music Factory bass singer to do call and response sections?

32. Give It to Me-Timbaland featuring Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado

TKG: This is shitty. Really really shitty. Timbaland needs to work with Omarion, or Bubba Sparks, or Petey Pablo or Tweet, or Magoo, someone to recharge him. Furtado really feels like the anti-muse as she's destroying him. I tend to like diss tracks but these are some weak ass disses. Timberlake tells Prince "I missed you on the charts last week. damn that's right you weren't there." He's dissing Prince for not having a song on the charts? That’s really a weak diss. Functional equivalent of the Ivy League school's shitty basketball team yelling "Board Scores" as an answer to "Score Board". Funny but you’re still loosing. C'mon it's Prince. I like Alpha Dog but it's no Graffiti Bridge.

PAS: Yeah this is a song that fails on every level. The production is terrible, the hook stinks, the singing is pathetic, the rapping is corny, and the actual "diss" lyrics are embarrassing, if the South Asian girl on Wylin Out dropped these tracks she wouldn't even get a ding. I mean the idea of Justin Timberlake dissing Prince is obviously ridiculous, but this song is so bad that you start to think that Nelly Furtado isn't credible to talk about Fergie. Does Furtado really have the gravitas of a Fergie? Plus for a song that is basically a producer diss track, the production is bargain basement, if this is what Timbo is delivering he really can't talk about Scott Storch, shit for dissing a goofy dressed Jew producer this wouldn't even fuck with Clinton Sparks, hell if you are dissing a Miami guy with an expensive speed boat Timbo can't even fade DJ Khalid at this point.

31. Because of You-Ne-Yo

PAS: Ne-Yo is a third generation copy of Michael Jackson, as he is clearly a guy who is influenced primarily by Usher doing Michael Jackson, I think there is an argument that Usher may just be copying Tevin Cambell which would make Ne-Yo fourth generation. This is a conceptually amusing song which equates a girls pussy with heroin. It doesn't work with a guy as clean cut as Ne-Yo, if this song was performed by a legit wacked out junky like Akon or R Kelly it might have been really great.

TKG: Is Iggy Pop ghost writing teen pop? This is a ballad that is delivered as though its aimed at a highschool set but really the pussy as heroin metaphor doesn't work as teen pop. "I'm so strung out on you..I can barely move but I like it...I can't get nothing done, only concern is next time I gonna get me some". Really feels like the missing episode of Oz where Omar White tries to become a song writer. Ne-Yo's cousin ends up in jail. Omar pitches him the song. Ne-Yo's cousin agrees to pitch it to Ne-Yo in exchange for head. Ne-Yo cousin gets shanked by Alonzo Torquemada seconds before entering the visiting room to show Ne-Yo the song. That might make sense. But really this type of song being sung by R&B's Frankie Avalon really feels out of place.

iTunes Top 50 40-36

40. Lean Like a Cholo -Down


PAS: Lou Dobbs was right, we now have Mexicans coming in stealing novelty dance rap tunes from hardworking American Black Folks. Mentirosa was one thing, but these are Itunes downloads which should rightfully be going to DJ Unk.


TKG: I think Mello Man Ace was Cuban. Lou Dobbs has no problem with the Cubans. And I imagine Kid Frost's La Raza would've caused Dobbs plenty of Hispanic Panic. How did this get this high? I mean I realize that Clinton Sparks thinks " Being a lyricist doesn't matter anymore" . But not only does Down not have the lyrical flow of Chingo Bling. He doesn't have his beats either.

39. The Sweet Escape-Gwen Stefani


TKG: Can Akon do no wrong? Can he save everything? As a rule I don't like Gwen Stefani tunes. I mean I can't think of a single one that I actively enjoy. This I like. I mean I watched the Rodney Bigenheimer documentary and know that she was raised on Rodney on the ROQ. And this really has all the L.A. mod celebrates catchy L.A. popcraft that you want, hints of L.A. glam and L.A. girl group combined with New Wave singer doing fake West Indian lilt. And it all combines together smoothly. The really commercial production and Akon doing his signature not a yodel chest to head voice shift thing put it over the top. Really if the world has to have a Gwen Steffani, this is the type of thing she should be doing.


PAS; Yeah this was shockingly inoffensive, I really liked the video game sounds and the Akon stuff was completely great. Usually Gwen Stefani can take a producer I like and lead them to their worst impulses. Akon can work with anyone apparently, although he really should have saved this beat for T-Pain.

38. Lost In This Moment -Big & Rich


PAS: What makes this Country music? Is the rule now, Southern accent=country? Because this was indistinguishable from a 70's MOR adult contemporary ballad. If James Taylor was from Kentucky would he be considered country music?


TKG: Holy shit this stinks. Listening to it, it was clear that this was written for the purpose of being a first dance wedding song. I'd like to believe that Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This" was written as a romantic song. Just happens to be that it works as a first wedding dance song. Phil Collin's "Against All Odds" was written as a romantic song. Just happens to be that it works as a first wedding dance song. Big and Rich can't be bothered to do all that. So they just write a song for the purpose of marketing it as a wedding dance song. It's really craven. Marketing executive came up to them and said "you should write a first wedding dance song, make sure that it has one slide guitar riff to give it a sentimental country feel, and remember you're writing for arrhythmic white folks, so make sure the spots where you dip your partner are really obvious. The notes need to sustained long enough to dip even he fattest country fan." Song doesn't work in any context but a first wedding dance. Well maybe you could use it for the parents of the brides dance too.


37. Working Class Hero-Green Day


TKG: Green Day covering John Lennon really exposes the jejuneness of John Lennon. You listen to this and go damn Billy Joe Armstrong would never write a couplet as shitty as "They hit you at home and hit you at school/they hated your clever and despise the fool". You listen to this and go "Never realized that Billie Joe Armstrong is really insightful when he writes about class struggle". But you listen to him covering Lennon and suddenly Armstrong originals become Bertold Brecht in comparison. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" suddenly feels like something written by Foucalt.


PAS: Green Day covering John Lennon may be the true tragedy in the Darfur genocide. Damn you Omar al Bashir.

36. The Way I Are-Timbaland featuring Keri Hilson & D.O.E.


PAS: Man what the fuck happened to Timbaland? Was all of his talent in his fat? This, much like every song I have heard on his album is atrocious. Man, maybe Scott Storch was the brains behind the whole operation. This almost feels equivalent to Stevie Wonder's 80's post drug artistic collapse. I guess hoagies were his heroin.


TKG: This is really bad. I normally really like arcade game beats. But this is just shitty. Sounds like the Mortal Kombat theme mixed with a eighties teen comedy electro funk track. Not from a good eighties teen comedy either. Not a John Hughes movie but like the really derivative fake Yello that would play in "Hamburger Academy" or something. The singing and rapping feels really dated too. Did they make a sequel to "JoyStick"? "Joystick II: the Track Ball Controller" ? This should've been on the soundtrack.

iTunes Top 50 6/13/07 45-41

45. You Know I'm No Good- Amy Winehouse

TKG: Do I blame Christina Aguilera and DJ Premier for this? I mean there has to be some explanation for this type of retro-torch singing being embraced by the mainstream. I guess I should admire that she's doing it without the Aguilera need to package it in retro fashion. I like me some rockabilly revival, as musical form that I felt still could speak to current era...never liked people who needed to wear retro costumes while doing it. I don't know. Amusing that the backing bands attempts to do jazz drumming hip hop beats results in really Phil Spectorish pop drumming. You get the sense that Winehouse desperately wants to be Eartha Kitt for the hip-hop era. Instead she is hiphop era's poor woman's Darlene Love.

PAS: It is amusing to think that after such a long career, DJ Premiers lasting influence is going to be on female pop music. Honestly his kind of New York rap production never really was more then a niche thing. Gangstarr and Nas never really had a hit as big as "2 Step" much less "Walk it Out", however this torch singing shit looks like it is going to be legitimately big. As far as Amy Winehouse goes, she really isn't even Butterfly and is a giant step below whichever member of En Vouge was in Lucy Pearl.

44. Last Night-Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole

PAS: This is really clearly Diddy's attempt to do fake Prince, the beat is a fine fake Prince beat, and Diddy's fake Prince vocals are sort of inoffensive. What really fails is Keyshia Coles real vocal gymnastics. Female singers on Prince tracks are always girls like Apolonia or Vanity, women he is fucking, he doesn't pick singers for their vocal chops. So vocal chop singing doesn't work for this type song.

TKG: It's Diddy. Why use fake Prince instrumental instead of just using the actual Prince backing track? It's not like Prince needs the money but neither did Robert Plant or Sting. Unless Diddy was worried that the royalties would go to Warner Bros. Diddy is all about divestment from companies that benefit from "slave" labor?

43. Summer Love-Justin Timberlake

PAS: This is really the most N'Sync sounding of the solo Justin Timberlake singles. Did Lou Pearlman produce this in exile like Roman Polanski?

TKG: Most of Timberlake's current stuff seems like it's aimed at women, this really feels like it’s aimed at highschool girls. "Summer's over for the both of us, but that doesn't mean we should give up on love". Her going back to school in the fall shouldn't break up the couple? Her being school age should break them up. Timberlake breaks up with mid thirties Cameron Diaz and now wants to re-embrace Chris Brown's fans?

42. Face Down-The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

PAS: It is a pretty sad statement about the castration of today’s youth, that the worst thing Red Jumpsuit Apparatus can imagine to happen to the abuser is that "SOMEDAY SHE WILL SAY SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU." At least Aerosmith had Jamie Get a Gun.

TKG: This is just a bad idea all around Using the second person is grammatically difficult but also demands that you only do it with one character. Song starts with singer telling how " He sees whats going on" and then he shifts to telling the story in the second person. "Cover yourself up with make up in the mirror, you cry, you tell yourself it will never happen again" followed by "Do you feel like a man when you push her around". I guess this could be a song about a lesbian BSDM relationship gone bad or it could be about an abusive boyfriend who brushes on foundation to cover the bruises on his knuckles. but more likely its just poor song craft. You can tell the story of abused girlfriend in second person, you can tell the story of abusive boyfriend in second person. But you can't do the two at the same time. There can only be one "you" in a song.

41. If Everyone Cared-Nickelback

TKG: So the premise of this song is that the guys telling his girlfriend that if all the world was like their "perfect relationship" that there would be no death. Ugghhh. I mean Mick Jagger singing about pretending he was Satan to get pussy was pathetic. But this guy singing about pretending that his love is God is a whole other level of garbage.

PAS: I think the plot of the new Fantastic Four movie has Reed Richards love for the Invisible Woman save the planet from the Silver Surfer. So I imagine if this song is used as the credits for that, its awful rock hubris makes sense.

Itunes Top 50 6/13/07 50-46

So our last attempt to do this was aborted. And we try again.

50. Better Than Me- Hinder

PAS: I am really happy we get to review more Hinder, their 80's revival stuff sounds so much more authentic then the Strokes doing Velvet Underground. You get a sense that they understand Winger way more then any of the pseudo New Wave bands understood the New York Dolls. Also “I miss your hair in my face, I miss how your innocence tastes" is the best cunnilingus based power ballad lyric ever. Totally kills Cherry Pie.

TKG: Yeah this is pretty spectacular. Hinder have actively good game. You listen to this and go "damn I could see a girl actually falling for that line". The market for songs about trying to hook up with your ex is mostly dominated by emo guys writing songs of loss for other guys to listen to. Hinder writes songs of loss pitched at women, built on "game" to get another taste of her snatch. The manipulative-ness of their "lines" appeals to male audience, the "game" itself corners the women. They should corner that market.

49. (You Want To) Make a Memory-Bon Jovi

PAS: This makes no sense to me. Bon Jovi is a guy who has had a spectacularly successful career. The things he does well are clearly still commercially viable; I mean Hinder is right here on this list too. Instead he decides he wants to do fake Ryan Adams. Ryan Adams sells out clubs, he doesn't sell out arenas. Did someone tell Jon Bon Jovi that the only way to resurrect his career is to get a tune on the closing credits of Grey's Anatomy?

TKG: Yeah this is bad. Amused that he replaced the Ryan Adams mandolin parts with orchestral cello/piano parts. Really Fray style orchestral cello/piano parts too. As they just tease that they're building to crescendo without having a crescendo section.

48. It's Not Over-Daughtry

TKG: This guy isn't Hinder. " My life with you means everything/so I won't give up that easily." His game sucks. "I'll try to do it right this time around/ let's start over". No one's falling for that. "I want you to know that you're better than me" see that's endearing, while "This love is killing me/ You're the only One" that's just creepy obsessed talk." It's not over". Is he really in the position to be making that demand? What woman wants a guy telling her "It ain't over till I say it's over". This fails where Hinder succeeds.

PAS: Talking about current music means you are going to be listening to a lot of American Idol songs, but I don't understand why I have to listen to this tool, he lost the show. It means nothing if the losers pollute the pop charts too. It defeats the entire purpose of a contest. This isn't little league, why are the giving out record contracts like participation trophies.

47. Ticks-Brad Paisley

PAS: I really didn't like the last Brad Paisley song we reviewed, it was actively bad, but it wasn't unsuccessful. He was trying to write a song awful women would find romantic, and he really did that. Here he is trying to write a comedy song with lots of double entendres, and is also really successful at that. I like clever double entendres, and thus I really enjoyed this song. "I've got your back, and I also got your front" is a great lyric.

TKG: This is your country star doing a mock country cornpone joke song and it rules. I mean this is dead on perfect. My favorite part is the opening set up where it just comes off like a poorly written dumb song by a guy with Daughtry level bad game: " Everytime you take a sip in this smoky atmosphere/you press the bottle to your lips/ and I wish I was your beer." I mean that's some garbage lines but it's not an obvious out and out joke. That he executes all this with a straight face before he builds to the punchline chorus ("I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks/ I'd like to walk you through a field of wild flowers/I'd like to check you for ticks" ) makes the joke that much funnier.

46. This Is My Now Jordin-Sparks

PAS: This really sounds like the kind of song you would sing to win a middle school talent show. You wouldn't think this kind of "Greatest Love of All" shit would work in something contested by adults.

TKG: I don't know if you would even do this at a middle school talent show. Felt more like elementary school graduation song. Less like "Greatest Love of All' and closer to American Tail's "Somewhere Out There".

Itunes Top 50, 3/19/2007, 45-36

36. 2 Step-Unk

PAS: Walk it Out is a great song, but DJ Unk is clearly meant to go down in history as a one hit wonder. It is a great hit, but this is a failed attempt to make a career of it. Apache was a better tune, Principles Office was a better tune, Shamrocks & Shenanigans was a better tune, it was better then I Love You, but shit Vanilla Ice just signed with Swisha House.

TKG: This does stink. Completely blows. I think DJ Unk had enough stuff in Walk It Out that he should have been able to milk it for a couple more hits, using the verses for hooks, etc. He really should have been able to strip “Walk it Out” for parts. Tear each verse out and build a couple songs out of rummaging and recycling parts. Instead he tried to write a whole new song and introduce a whole new dance out of a similar beat. Two Step might have been a fine anchor for an album two years down the line. But you really need to completely strip mine one song before you build a new one.

37. Not Ready to Make Nice-Dixie Chicks

TKG: Whatever else you want to say about the Dixie Chicks, when they first came out there songs were drenched in banjo, fiddle and mandolin. This was kind of verboten in Modern country which was all about over produced post Eagles tunes that didn't want to be associated with the ghetto of "hick" sounds. Dixie Chicks put the "hick" sounds front and center (and not in a gimmicky way) and sold big. The Chicks no longer can get Country radio airplay so they go to Rick Rubin who takes them and really turns them into a shitty smoothed out overproduced 90s modern country radio band. Not a fiddle in sight. It feels like if Rick Rubin took over from Daniel Lanois on a Peter Gabriel/Robbie Robertson duet album and just made it slightly louder.

PAS: I don't by mad as hell either. When you listen to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" you believe Underwood is mad at being cheated on. Hell you listen to Goodbye Earl you believe that these bitches poisoned some guy. This is a response to an actual event, and I don't believe what you assume is actual anger.

TKG: I once saw an armless girl karaoke "Goodbye Earl". Her absolute hatred of the men who had taken advantage of her as she swung her stumps around was one of my more transcendent karaoke experiences. I totally bought her taking "Goodbye Earl" as a personal anthem. I don't see "Not Ready to Make Nice" ever working in the same way.

38. Pop, Lock & Drop It-Huey

TKG: Based on the video I'm assuming this is St Louis group. Really not familiar with St Louis dance rap. Feels like it would be easy to mix this with Chain Hang Low but I really need to hear a full St Louis dance mix Cd before I "get it" in the way you can “get”/appreciate a local sound. As it is, this doesn't feel like it’s as good a tune as "Chain Hang Low".

PAS: I don't get a sense that Huey is a St. Lunatic, so he may be a more authentic representative of underground St. Louis dance music. Like this is what it sounded like before Skinny Black sold out. "COME HOME SKINNY"

39. Make It Rain (Featuring Lil Wayne)- Fat Joe featuring Lil Wayne

PAS: This is a really great tune, Scott Storch is really the best Jewish rap producer out there. I still just assume there is a black guy actually doing the beats and Storch is just sticking his name on them to steal the royalties, whoever that guy is, he is really good. The remix is getting much more radio play, so I am kind of surprised this is the version on the list. This may be one of the few times I prefer the original to the remix, hearing R. Kelly talk about "I make it rain on them hoes" really changes the entire context of the tune.

TKG: Phil is also convinced that Rick Rubin has black guys locked in his basement finding beats for the Dixie Chicks. Phil is from west coast and I'm guessing helped kidnap some of the enslaved beat makers for Jerry Heller. Scott Storch was also supposedly involved in production of "Cry me a River" which is a superior rain themed song. Lil Wayne is great on the hook but the remix is infinitely superior as Wayne gets some actual verses. And R Kelly adds a ton of color. Exactly how jaundiced that color is, doesn't really bother me.

40. Look After You-The Fray

PAS: There were two Fray songs on the last list, and our joke was that they were virtually indistinguishable. This may be slightly slower then the other two, and has sort of a yodel hook, but I honestly don't think I could Pepsi Challenge the three songs apart. I wonder if their entire album is this sonically similar, maybe it is meant purely as Hot Topic Muzak.

TKG: I kind of like the idea of the Fray as the piano ballad version of the Ramones. "One Two, Una dos Tres Quatro Over My head" I don't remember the other two having the cello parts or a hook quite like this but same type of opening pace leading to exactly the same type of crescendo.

41. Like a Boy-Ciara

PAS: This is a perfectly fine Ciara tune, needs Young Joc and a hook. With Young Joc and a hook I might remember it 30 seconds after hearing it.

TKG: The opening orchestral strings and electro beats really feels less like Dre Aftermath and more like the end of Revenge of the Nerds. I actually like the chorus. Its problem isn't that it doesn't have a hook. The problem is its hook is the length of a fucking stanza. It's like a fourteen line chorus. The rapper whose vocals are treated with some sort of echo effect to create a fake screw sound without actually being screwed vocal is better than Lamar.

42. Put Your Records On-Corinne Bailey Rae

PAS: My mom really likes this, she is a real nice lady, and outside of liking this song is pretty cool. This does sound like a song that is marketed to old Jewish ladies.

TKG: Is this Des'Ree? Did Des'Ree ghost write this? You gota be strong, you gota be wise, you gota be tough...go ahead let your hair down. I assume this played over a closing montage on Ugly Betty or Grey's Anatomy. For ending montage Ugly Betty tune this smokes "Suddenly I See".

43. Lost Without U-Robin Thicke

TKG: This is fine little fake samba neo-soul type tune. Thicke has a fine falsetto and it works off the little pretty guitar parts. The thing about this kind of tropical samba beat is you sit and snap your fingers but don't really get a hook stuck in your head. All that sticks is the scrape stick.

PAS: So I am listening to this and it hits me how much this sounds like D'Angelo's How Does it Feel, which made me dig up the Voodoo album to see how much it rips it off. It really does rip the beat and speed it up and put some maracas behind it, this is fine, but fuck did D'Angelo rule. Apparently he had a breakdown because he and the guy from the Roots set up this elaborate stage show influenced by Prince and Teddy Pendergrass, and he would show up and women would just scream at him to take his shirt off, apparently he got an eating disorder and ended up canceling the show and disappearing. Rick Rubin needs to dig him up and do a big comback album. This was a catchy tune too.

44. Runaway Love-Ludacris

PAS: This is the kind of social consciousness rap song that usually gets stuck as a track 14 or 15 album cut. Seems weird that Ludacris would stick Mary J. on this really poorly done Brenda's Got a Baby and release as a single. Tupac decided that poet shit wouldn't sell, and became Bishop. Ludacris doing fake Tupac really seems like a step backward. Car Wars is always going to lose to Fly Away.

TKG: So I go out drinking regularly and am always semi amused by the behavior of white bachelorette parties. I'm not one of those guys who tries to huddle around their circle dances picking off the strays. No, not that interested. But I watch from a distance. Last Saturday I'm in this club and Runaway Love comes on and suddenly this group of young women scream and get up like the DJ played " Like a Virgin" or any of the other young white woman anthems that inspire bacholerrette parties to take the dance floor, dyke out and grind on random men while taking photos of themselves "ooh look we're being so scandalous"...Normally their "scandalous" behavior is actually rather tame. Dykeing out and grinding on guys to "Runaway Love" as though it's some kind of club banger...actually is legit scandalous. It's a song about childhood sexual abuse. That these woman decided it was an anthem to the final night of sexual freedom, is far more depraved than any of their wave a dildo on their head pics.

45. Grace Kelly-Mika

TKG: Huh? This is ridiculously catchy fake Elton John. I don't know of Elton John actually would write a line as fey "I try to be like Grace Kelly". But essentially this is fake Elton John without any other 2007 reference point. I mean when R Kelly does fake Stevie Wonder he doesn't play a out of tune harmonica. This is ridiculously catchy but I thought record sales were at an all time low and this really feels like a band that only successfully plays in two exclusive clubs in the NY meatpacking district.

PAS: Yeah this feels really out of context. This is apparently by a British Lebanese guy, who according to Wikipedia "prefers not to discuss his sexuality with journalists." Is this an issue up to discussion? I know there has been a bunch of people doing fake Joy Division and Gang of Four, but it is pretty awesome that people are starting to rip off Queen and Elton John, it feels like an era of British Rock that is ripe for recycling.

Itunes Top 50, 3/19/2007 50-45

(Ok we're doing this again. Why? Why not. We took out clean versions of songs already on the list, and removed stuff we've already written about)

46. Year 3000 Jonas Brothers

TKG: I listened to this and instantly deduced that the Jonas Brothers were a fake band from a Nickelodeon show. Something like a cross between " California Dreams" and "The Monkees". Turns out they're some type of Christian rock band that records theme songs for Nickelodeon and Disney. This is a song about a time machine. They go into the future. They're a Christian band so they need to avoid the issue of going back in time and getting into all the issues around the actual age of the planet and what not. Perfectly fine bubblegum.

PAS: I don't think a song about the future fits the ideology either. Year 3000? Wouldn't Jesus have raptured up the believers by then?

47. Throw Some D's (Remix) Rich Boy featuring Nelly, Jim Jones, Andre 3000, The Game & Murphy Lee

PAS: During the last set of tracks we reviewed, I talked about most big Southern rap hits only being good when they get good rappers on the remix. Here the remix actually charts, and it does kick the ass of the original. This isn't really an All-Star line up, honestly Jim Jones, Murphy Lee and The Game are the kind of guys who need someone to save their track, not track saviours. Still this does have Andre 3000 who has inexplicably has become a mix tape superstar. You wouldn't expect a guy who has really made his name doing experimental fake Prince, showing up on songs like this and Walk it Out and just killing it. "Ha ha sleep/ Tylenol PM if I pull it/ she-she-sheep/ Count them for the rest of your life/ Your partner got away but he vegetable like/ So I sent his mom and dad a whole case of V8/ He could die any second how long it going to take." What the fuck, when did that blouse wearing motherfucker become Scarface.?

TKG: Andre 3000 is Killer as guy on remixes. The amusing thing is he's always put on first, which is ridiculous. Jerry Lee Lewis always headlined shows because no one goes on after the Killer. Killer kills them and no one looks good going on after him. They have semi solved this problem by constantly pairing Andre 3000 with Jim Jones, as Jim Jones really isn't even a warm up act. He's kind of the hype man for the warm up act. Jim Jones acts as sorbet, cleans the palate and then the next actual rapper comes in with a clean slate.

48. Survivalism Nine Inch Nails

PAS: When I saw that Nine Inch Nails had a song on this list, I checked to make sure it was a new song and not just something played in a commercial for Hills Have Eyes 2, thus making on the list via the "the Michael Andrews' Mad World music as auxiliary product effect." That isn't it though, this is the single from the new Nine Inch Nails album. Apparently this album is being virally marketed via an internet alternate reality game based on the internet, apparently the album describes an "Orwellian picture of the United States circa the year 2022," Man the only thing more dated then this shitty music, is the idea of a virally marketed album based on a dystopian future world. How stuck in the 90's is Trent Reznor?

TKG: Wait so this isn't aimed at nostalgic old NIN fans but rather he's trying to pick up a new generation of todays disaffected youth? I mean damn does this sound dated? I went to see Einsturzende Neubauten when I was in high school. Those guys had been around for over a decade at that point but they still felt relevant and like they were growing and developing. This just feels dated, not even angry just dated. Sounds a lot like that shitty Butthole Surfers/Kid Rock collaboration...except I think Trent isn't doing this as a joke. Rob Zombie is making amusing country duet albums to support his horror pics, I'm sure Al Jourgensen is doing experimental swing band albums, and the Genitorturers are all involved in Renaissance chorales...It's time to grow up.

49. Hips Don't Lie (featuring Wyclef Jean) Shakira

TKG: Wow this tune has been around for ages. Old enough that I'm pretty sure I've been out with at least one girl who had it as a ring tone. It came out around the same time as The Pussycat Dolls tune with Will I Am. Or maybe around the same time as the Pussycat Dolls tune with Wyclef. Either way between Wyclef and Will I Am, it was this really weird period in pop music, where your girly pop tunes had guest verses by innocuous male West Indians. Geoffrey Holder from the 7-Up the Uncola commercials was a more menacing West Indian. What the hell is the idea behind filling pop tunes with non-threatening West Indians? Some Mid-American girl is gonna get the wrong impression and think she can ask any guy from Guyana to jump up and dance.

PAS: I clearly haven't listen to much Shakira before because I never noticed the weird vibrato that she does with her voice. It makes her sound kind of like an Alt-Country singer. I imagine if the New Pornographers got huge, five years from now Neko Case would be doing shitty Wyclef duets too.

50. Pain-Three Days Grace

PAS: Wow, this song totally blew me away. We had to check to see if this was a real band or a parody. It really had the feel of GOB from Arrested Development fronted a depressed metal band. Lyrics like "Anger and agony/are better then misery" can't be meant literally.

TKG: I was laughing so hard during large chunks of this that I'm sure I missed half of it. But yeah this really felt like a parody. Half the lyrics sounded just like a Steve Allen parody. If Steve Allen hated Brecht as much as he hated Rock N Roll... Then there were a couple verses that really sounded like someone stole some lines from a shitty fake Luke/Too Short "tossing game in order to recruit a new ho" pimp rap and grafted it onto a metal ballad. "I'll take you by the head and show you a world you can understand/ this life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work/ trust me and take my hand/ when the lights go out you'll understand". But I don't think this is a song about finding goth girls and turning them out.

Itunes Top 50 11/18/06 TOP TEN

10. Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up

TKG: So I read the title of this song and was expecting Stefani to be doing a fake dancehall tune. Maybe a Scott Storch does 90s dancehall beat (think Lighter's Up) with some toaster doing guest rap (maybe Elephant Man, Beanie man, whoever). What I got was so much worse. I complained earlier about Diddy not creating an expensive enough sound. When your an international pop superstar, there's an expectation that you're going to try to do River Deep Mountain High everytime you go out the door. And well "Wind it Up" does feel expensive. I'm assuming this is Pharrell trying to do a fake 90s euro club tune with Sound of Music samples, and clydesdale/beerstein beats. It does feel expensive. If she had spent the same money on a fake dancehall tune I imagine she could have afforded to track down all of Ward 21 to do guest raps, the one member of Musical Youth who didn't die from AIDS to sing the hook, and still have money left over to help treat the polio of at least two members of Israel Vibrations. But it is not enough to just spend money. As this sucked. Was their really a demand for fake 90s Euro Club? Is that a genre that still plays in clubs anywhere? But even if there was this lacked the soul of Aqua, the heart of Rednex, or the socio-political smarts of Ace of Base.

PAS: I wouldn't think anything could make me nostalgic for Fergie, but you listen to this song and you start reevaluating London Bridge. "This is for the club and the cars that go boom", this appears to be a song without any real bass. Is it for the cars that normally go boom, but whose woofers could use a rest? For the club? Clubs with retro night don't usually retreat to that part of the 90's.

9. Hinder- Lips of an Angel

PAS: This is a list with a fair number of power ballads, usually they are power ballads done by bands with other aspirations. Stone Sour wants to be Magnolia Electric Company, Snow Patrol wants to be Stiff Little Fingers. Hinder wants to be Warrant, they have achieved their goal, as this is a great Warrant song.

TKG: When I first hear this on the radio I thought it was being done by a ironic band. Kind of like if Darkness was inspired by Bon Jovi and not Zeppelin. But I don't think there is anything ironic here. Just letter perfect tunesmithing from a sadly forgotten style of music from a previous era. This could easily fit on Alfred Molina's "Awesome Mix Tape". Acoustic strumming falls at the right points. The rocking out parts fall at the right moments. The failed attempts at falsetto (to say goodbyeee) rule. Best rock ballad on the top 40.

8. Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

PAS: These guys are apparently Irish, and are the only UK rock group to break the Billboard Top 5 in 13 years. So we have to ask ourself are The Pogues good enough to outweigh the horribleness of these guys and U2, or would popular music be better if the Potato Famine really finished the job.

TKG: I have never seen an episode of the OC or Laguna Beach but I swear this is the song they played when Donna Martin lost her virginity to Luke Perry.

7. The Fray- How to Save a Life

PAS: This song is virtually indistinguishable from the Fray song which is at #48. I honestly wouldn't not be able to tell them apart if I heard a verse without the hook. What makes two identical songs have this big a variation on a list like this. I mean this has to be more then two standard deviations apart, there is statistical significance. You have all these really successful Sport Economics books, some University of Chicago Econ professor should come up with a punchily written book full of formulas for analyzing shitty pop music. Feels like a bestseller waiting to be written.

TKG: So the Snow Patrol song felt like a song deliberately written to be played over the montage at the end of a TV season. I'm not sure if that was the Fray's actual intent but I think I actually watched the TV show with this playing over the ending montage. Grey's Antomy? Scrubs?House? I don't really watch any of those...but I swear this was a season ending montage song on a show I actually caught. Thats my guess as to why this is so much higher than the other Fray tune: "the Michael Andrews' Mad World music as auxiliary product effect" .

6. Jay-Z- Show Me What You Got

TKG: Did Jay-Z really compare himself to post retirement comeback Michael Jordan? I live in DC, I watch Wizards games. It seems like an accurate statement but, I don't think that was Jay-Z's intention. This is ridiculously catchy in the same way that the "Fitness made Simple " jingle is ridiculously catchy. But there really is nothing there. No urgency. I remember when Iggy Pop briefly got really into rap music and every interview with him was all about how much he loved rap because he really liked the skits, the clips from kung fu movies, adverts for next record and the posse cuts and the sense of guys who finally got a chance to record deciding that they were just going to put everything possible on their albums. Pop liked the palpable sense that the artist wanted to get the music out. He may have also been collecting old S1W memorabilia. No sense that Jay-Z really wants to get this out. Jay-Z is an infinitely better rapper than Unk. Better wordsmith, better flow, better use of rhyme, better ability to tell a story, better ability to create an image. But sometimes content matters. "Shots of patron, now she's in the zone, not talking about the 2-3, Miami in the Zone like the 2,3, Jordan or James it makes no difference" may be infinitely more clever than "on once again/Patron once again, threw my head back and froze like the wind"... But honestly which is more interesting? Which has more immediacy?

PAS: Jay-Z is a label president, really current hip-hop music is based around constant mixtape releases, really over produced album tracks like this are really dated sounding. Jay-Z verse on the Hustling remix was great, but he was kind of eaten alive by Jim Jones of all people, when he did his mixtape beef track. Lil' Wayne talks about how he is "The greatest rapper alive, since the greatest rapper retired." Well he is out of retirement now, and Lil Wayne is still the greatest rapper alive. Wayne did a mixtape cover of this tune and it just kills Jay-Z's original.

5. The All American Rejects- It Ends Tonight

PAS: These guys are ostensibly a punk band right? It is amusing to me that current "punk" is virtually indistinguishable from the music which punk was formed as a response to. This is a Journey album track.

TKG: I have never seen an episode of One Tree Hill or The Hills but I swear this is the song they played when Pacey lost her virginity to Dawson.

4. Justin Timberlake- My Love

TKG: This is pretty fucking great as everyone brings their A Game to the table. The early cowbell Brazilian style beats into the almost human beatboxy beats into the Brazilian cuica squeakyness, meets Whisper song style tissue and comb squeaky beat. Timberlake isn't Aliyah. Aliyah kind of kept it together, kept songs grounded up against whatever Timba threw out. Timberlake is willing to go out wherever Timba wants to go.

PAS: Often the only thing that saves modern popular R+B songs is your Southern Rap cameo, Lil Wayne is the only reason to listen to Soldier, Bun B is the only reason to listen to Check on It, Jeezy is the only reason to listen to Say I. However T.I. seems really superfluous to this song, there are a thousand individual great things to remember, he really isn't one of them. In a way that may be the songs crowning achievement.

3.Fergie-Fergalicious

PAS: I am as big a JJ Fad fan as the next guy, but Will I. Am is not Arabian Prince and Fergie sure as shit aint Sassy C.

TKG: I liked when Diddy improved on Sting and Zeppelin, but this pisses me off.

2.Beyonce-Irreplaceable

TKG: Beyonce really can't pull off this type of Mary J Blige material, can't pull it off at all. I mean I bought 16 year old Usher singing about breakups and confessionals more than I buy Beyonce here. Beyonce is the opposite of Janet Jackson as Jackson's emancipation from her family and their tight "Control" really is what put her on the map. Here you get the sense that Beyonce made a big mistake trying to do something without dad.

PAS: As a rule Beyonce has really good dance tunes, this starts with "To the left, to the left" but outside of being able to move to the left twice, there isn't really anyway to dance to this song. You really need to have a "To the right, to the right" as well or else everyone is just going to smash into the side of the club.

1. Akon- I Wanna Love You

TKG: Wow that was spectacular. I mean I wasn't expecting the number one tune to be this good. Akon was on the amazing Akon, Pimp C, MJG, Paul Wall, R. Kelly and Too Short "I'm in love with a Stripper Remix". Akon just said fuck this why not just do a better original. and holy shit is this a great tune. I can't wait to hear a remix with Paul Wall, MJG, Pimp C, R Kelly and Too Short. Lately Snoop has been doing a lot of really unthreatening stuff and so hearing him do this type of Luke stuff is neat. Not sure wether I want a "ripe pussy", myself. Akon is also just amazing here "You know my pedigree, ex-dealear used to run 'phetamines". I had just begin to adjust to post-Mac Dre Oakland rappers talking about E...I'm not sure if I'm ready for amphetamine dealing rap. Some ex- B2K guy is going to start singing about dealing shrooms and white people will have no drugs to call our own.

PAS: Akon is a guy who sounds like absolutely no one else, I mean it is 2006 pretty much everyone else in music is a derivative of something else, who sings like Akon? He is the only truly original artist in current music. The wind chime bells were spectacular.

Itunes Top 50 11/18/06 15-11

15. My Chemical Romance- Welcome to the Black Parade

TKG: Did these guys also start as a fake New Order? Cause well I never much cared for Smashing Pumpkins either but , really enjoying this bubblegum Smashing Pumpkins. Unlike Corrigan, it sounds like the songwriter may have been raised on Burt Bacharach instead of being raised on Robert Smith and Queen. Sometimes you listen to music and you complain that the artist hasn't really internalized his influences and instead comes off just studied record collector. But I like bubblegum once in a while. Corrigan always felt like a guy who internalized Jaques Brel due to his grandmother dressing him up like Edith Piaf and forcing him to lip synch. There is a real sense that the guys in My Chemical Romance have some more distance. Like they only listened to the records without putting on the make up.

PAS: I am really enjoying this trend of New York bands doing fun versions of 90's bands I hate. Is Interpol's next album going to be re-imagined B52's? Is Bravery going to all They Might Be Giants stuff?

14. Weird Al Yankovic- White and Nerdy

TKG: Their are a couple amusing lines in here, and for white rapper Yankovic may have better flow then Sage Francis. But for social commentary Yankovic seems even less biting than Mark Russell. I hate Doctor Demento. And thought Chamillionaire's original was brilliant. Really "want to roll with the gangstas" completely misses the point.

PAS: I liked this a bunch more then Tom did. I thought he had some really funny lines "MC Esher is my favorite MC" as is "I don't have a grill but I still have braces." I think Tom just fancies himself a member of the Chamilitary and needs to defend his general.

13. Christina Aguilera- Hurt

PAS: I am assuming Alicia Keyes is the reason that pianos are all over the the top 40 now. This sounded less like Alicia Keyes then Billy Vera, "At this Moment" didn't have the superfluous strings.

TKG: Umm..Phil it's Alicia Keys not Alicia Keyes. she wears her make up poorly but she isn't Alan Keyes lesbian daughter. Apparently there is still a market for piano ballads about self blaming girls. I mean maybe I would enjoy Franz Ferdinand doing re-imagined Tori Amos. But Aguilera isn't Franz.

12. John Mayer- Waiting on the World to Change

TKG: I guess having to listen to fake Curtis Mayfield is better than having to listen to fake Tori Amos. But this is really shitty remake of Curtis Mayfield. I mean I can't listen to this without singing People Get Ready. And this is no "People Get Ready". This type of derivative Mayfield really demands that your paralyzed from the ankles down. This wasn't good enough to be paralyzed any higher. If you're going to do this close of a copy, just do a cover. Doesn't Mayfield have some relatives who could use royalties?

PAS: It is amusing to me that fake Curtis Mayfield is so much worse then fake R.E.M or fake Smashing Pumpkins. Maybe the better the artist the worse the current pop remake. I am living in fear of Nick Cannon doing a Jermaine Dupri Papa's Brand New Bag pastiche.

11. Akon- Smack That

TKG: Akon's parts of this really rule and then Eminem comes in and just fucks it up. Akon is pulling off this really serious sexual eroticized rap. And Akon does that well. Then Eminem spits his guest verse.Eminem can only do two things well comedy and serious stuff about his family. Eminem really only can do serious when he's talking about Hailey. And well she has no place in this tune. Eminem can do comedy verses well. But really guy cracking jokes while Akon is trying to seduce feels like a cockblocker fucking up Akon's game. Eminem has no place in this tune. Wrong choice of guest rappers.

PAS: Yeah for white comedy rapper, current Eminem doesn't have the flow of current Weird Al Yankovich. He also doesn't really have the punchlines either. "Looking like one of those Puddy Cat dolls/ trying to hold my woody back in my draws" is not "I memorize Holy Grail really well/I'll recite it and have you ROTFL." Akon deserves better.